Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Can we just skip Christmas, just this one year?

Christmas is just in two days and yet there is STILL so much that I have to do. . . among trying to keep it together, when everything about the holiday season makes me think of my Mom. After all, she was my main shopping buddy, person to call about recipes, what gift to get this person and that, you name it. My heart is just not in it, as much as I'm trying for it to be.
My beautiful Mom

It's really true about what is said about all the things grief does to you around the holidays when missing a loved one. And both of my parents have passed recently. I don't like to blog about this stuff, but I just feel the need to, it's such a part of my life in this particular moment. I guess this post is meant mostly for the people who know me personally, because they sometimes don't know how to handle me or what to say, or know how I am feeling. I don't even know sometimes myself, but I would like to think that I am maintaining a healthy attitude, as much as I can.

So here come the holidays rushing in. Upon pulling out all of my decorations, I start finding special little things she gave me. A good deal of my Christmas stuff my Mom bought me or made herself. Some things I forgot about, and more than likely I would have a good cry upon discovering them. I even saved Christmas cards she sent with loving little notes written before she was sick. I am such a sap when it comes to those things, and I save all of it. Most of the time it gives me comfort, but sometimes it evokes a sadness that is so overwhelming. Today was one of those days. So. . . I decided to pack it up. Yep, two days before Christmas. I don't want to do it this year.
Some of my Mom's handmade ornaments

I have cried and cried so much in dealing with the various stages of sickness and loss, twice. And it just hurts so much to cry more. I really don't want to, and most of my close friends and family expect me to. They will even come over my house bearing big bottles of wine I like, so we can drink and have a good healthy cry. When I do have those kinds of cries, I am almost always alone and they don't get to see that. So maybe with this blog post and getting all of my emotions out for the world to see (eeek!) everyone who may be concerned will know where I am coming from. Because people do ask all the time, and especially now.

In dealing with cancer these past two years with my Parents, all I want to do is heal. I've carried such pain with me since then, and I can't imagine holding onto it for the rest of my life. Although it will certainly always be there. I know that kind of pain can really consume a person. At the same time, I don't ever want to forget them. I want to honor their legacy, remembering what they have taught me and displaying their little special things in prominent places in my home, always. I want to remember them with love, and not the pain of loosing them. But wow, right now it's really hard.

My Mom and her beautiful hair.
That's how I will always remember her.

I don't expect anybody to leave any comments on this post. Finding the words for something like this is just too heavy. And I truly want you all to be happy and thoroughly enjoy your Christmas.

7 comments:

Diana Evans said...

Hi Cynthia....

I can imagine how difficult this Christmas will be for you....I have been thinking about my Grandfather and Father-in-Law a lot these days as it will be our first Christmas without them....

I can only imagine how hard it is for you to be without your Mom...

I am here to listen and to lend a shoulder anytime you need one...

Just know that your Mom is with you always and she sees all the Magic you create and share with loved ones...she is smiling ...I just know it....

Bless you and your family this Christmas!!!

Hugs
Diana

Cock Yer Doodle said...

Hi Cindy
I suppose you can only deal the best way you know how...when you need to get angry or cry you should allow yourself that. Sounds like there's some great memories of an amazing woman to get you through the tough stuff.

Take care, k?
Marg

Candace Trew Camling said...

I just want you to know that even though I am just a blog friend, I understand loss and how hard it can be. I think you should do whatever feels right. If Christmas Day comes and you sit on the couch with a coffee all day, then so be it! I think crying is healthy too, and it works a lot of things out for me too. Hugs to you, and I know your mom is shining down on you!

life without novacaine said...

Cindy,
You are handling your grief exactly the way you are supposed to. You are doing everything right, letting it out when it needs to come out and holding it in when you need to keep that stiff upper lip. You are doing amazingly well! It is courageous to continue on without your loved ones, courageous to continue on trying to find that happy place. Both your parents are so proud of you and are with you in spirit, surrounding you with love.
Have a wonderful Christmas my friend.
Deborah

Michael said...

At least you have a husband who loves you very much to cheer you up.

I Love You...

Michael

Cindy DiBlasi said...

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt comments. You are all so very wonderful.

Dawn said...

No, and you made it just fine with all your loved ones around you. Now we need to start planning for this Christmas, make a list, check it twice and get crafting.